I have something very important to confess. Something difficult for me to express in a blog, but also something very valuable and worth mentioning. A truth of mine of which I am not proud…but it serves as a reminder of the importance of adopting and continuously making changes that better myself as a human being. Hence the reason for this particular series of posts that follow this knee saga of mine.
If you have been following this blog, (to which I thank you!), or if you know me and my personality, (to which I smile REALLY big!), you might notice a certain, albeit very subtle, amount of energy and positivity. If you blink, you might miss it so I hope you’re really paying close attention…
Okay…..so maybe it’s slightly noticeable. 🙃🤣 But I decided at a very early age that smiling, being happy, and sharing good energy felt so much better than being nasty and miserable. Plus, a smile is one powerful action and an influential tool conveniently at your disposal! It is often contagious when you share it with others, (even more than a yawn)!; it puts people at ease; it is an inviting and disarming “face gesture”; it signifies acknowledgement and/or acceptance; it raises your own spirit and vibe which radiates to others….it’s quite the magical display that is fun to do! 😉 I should know, I am a smile-addict, after all, and that is no joke!
Also, I have tried to live a positive life, regardless of the circumstances and obstacles that arise along the way.
What does this mean exactly?
Well, it means embracing your experiences; showing gratitude and appreciation for the people in your life; always searching for the silver lining in dark and difficult situations, even if it seems like none are possible; remaining hopeful that everything will turn out in the most beneficial ways; (and my favorite!!) sharing positivity with those around you!
😊💕🙌🏼💫🤗❤️🙏🏼🌞💗🌻⭐️☀️
I am a born cheerleader to all of the amazing people in my life. No, I never was a cheerleader back in high school, (I have been asked that many times!) but I take every opportunity that I am granted to support, encourage, and inspire those around me.
Like this:
OR maybe more accurately like this:
Truth!! 😃🤣 It comes from a very genuine, honest, loving place, I promise you that! ❤️
See, it is easy for me to see the ever-expanding strength and potential of my phenomenal fitness clients and Warriors, my family, my friends, and all of the incredible beings that I have met along my life’s journey so far. I take great pleasure in encouraging and rooting for their happiness and their goals, ambitions, and dreams that they seek because I wholeheartedly believe in their power and capabilities. And this is a total win-win: They see firsthand how incredible they are AND I feel so happy to see the people that I know, love, and care about succeed and make huge strides to own their own victories!! Plus that realization, self-pride, and feeling of empowerment that comes after accomplishing anything, big or small? Something that maybe had numerous obstacles and/or hardships along the way, creating severe doubt and major questions, like “can I really do this?” or ” should I just give up?”……..BUT THEN something (or someone!!!) inspires you to try and to keep going, pushing you to succeed and to see your own resiliency and strength?!?!?!?!? WHAT A GREAT AND POWERFUL (and quite addictive) FEELING!! Because it begs the question: if I can do THAT, this something that I didn’t know was possible for me, then what else is waiting for me to discover and uncover??? I love this question because it opens up so many possibilities that at first were unseen!! 🥳
THEREFORE:
My answer to that fabulous question: SO MANY THINGS, PEOPLE!!!! You are stronger and more capable that you even realize (yes, YOU, amazing reader!) and you get to find that out when you move outside your comfort zone and release those self-limiting beliefs!!!! And I truly believe that with my whole heart.
.
.
.
.
And now it is Confession Time.
I have lost a huge part of myself that believes that those things previously mentioned are true FOR ME because of all of these knee injuries. When I look at others, it is SO CLEAR in my eyes how far they can go (the sky’s the limit!) but when I view myself, it gets really cloudy.
If you have read some of my posts thus far, you may be thinking that I’m ALWAYS optimistic and happy, sometimes perhaps overwhelmingly so, (like a toothache from too much sugar….I have been told that before!! Can you believe it?? Yes, probably. 🤪🦷), regardless of any negative circumstances that come up. Because I do smile a lot, look on the bright side as much as I can and I am often very high-powered with energy and positivity. I have often been asked questions such as: “why are you so happy all the time?” or “how much coffee do you drink” or “what are you on and can I have some?”
SIDE NOTE: I actually don’t drink coffee at all or “take anything” besides vitamins and supplements, like protein powder, so that’s not exactly the “happy pills” that people are expecting, right? 😆
And one of my favorite comments, made by two of the most wonderful people that I know (Casey and Rinny 🥰) from my first ever professional dance contract: that I “fart rainbows.” I believe that “poop glitter” was added on shortly after that! Pretty awesome and hysterical!! 🌈✨🌈✨🌈✨ 
But, and this is a huge BUT, (not “butt,” silly! 🍑) this is what I deemed necessary to clarify: That my demeanor changed 1,000% when I experienced my very first traumatic left knee ACL injury. I got hit with a particularly large wave of negativity and worthlessness. I thought that I had demolished my dance career. And then fear overcame me when Physical Therapy took a turn for the worst. (Story to come in the near future.)
Even though I was able to move forward with my dance career and beloved activities, that fear still loomed. So when my right ACL was torn 1.5 years later, I was absolutely destroyed, along with my professional dance career. Depression, hopelessness, sadness, anger, numbness, embarrassment, shame…you name it, all the bad feelings were there. And even though I refused to give up and I still worked so hard to regain my knee function, my own resiliency, my mental peace, and control of my life, this thread of fear and negativity followed me throughout the entire process.
What did these two major ACL surgeries have in common, besides being the obvious same Godzilla injury factor?
Well, this is MY TRUTH that I mentioned in the beginning, the one that makes me cringe: I absolutely refused to tell anybody about my surgeries except the people that had to know, like my phenomenal Mom who helped me with every knee surgery and recovery. (I love you, Mom!!! ❤️❤️) My shame, pride, colossal resistance to appearing weak, and my embarrassment to let anyone in, to see me in such a negative, pessimistic, uncharacteristically cranky and irate state….it all kept me silent, isolating myself from those that would care, because I needed to “deal with it on my own.” To not burden those that mean the most to me. AND THEN, I thought, once I was “over it” and feeling great, well THEN I could tell people what happened as a “look what I went through but I’m totally fine now” story….
I am NOT proud of how I handled these two serious knee injuries/surgeries (the other surgeries that I’ve had, I was more in control) and my hide-away response while going through the agonizing recovery processes. Especially with the yoga background that I have – – I am a certified 200-hour Yoga Instructor – – I simply struggled with concentrating, breathing deeply, feeling gratitude, and trying to just be, amidst the misery that I was feeling. The inspiration, support, smiles, positivity that I do often offer to others??? I lost it all in regards to myself. 🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁😣😣😣😣😣 Awful, I know…
****And I apologize a mega-billion times for those few souls who did see fragments of my wrath and negativity because of these injuries and my fiercely negative frame of mind. It might be hard for some of you to imagine but it is not a pretty sight, I assure you, ——->👺, and I am ashamed that I let myself get so lost in the debilitating process that is ACL injury and Reconstruction x2.
I have now realized that to isolate myself, to shut down, to bottle up or hide from these intense feelings, it makes everything so much harder when it’s already crazy-hard. A brilliant friend of mine (Jeffreeeey!!) told me that “this is what friends are for, to be there during the good times BUT especially to be there to help during the bad times…” And he is absolutely right. If I was on the opposite side, I would completely want to support my hurting friend/family and do anything in my power to be there for him/her. I ended up shutting out the people that would have brought the light, the kindness, the spirit-lifting caring that I didn’t realize how terribly I and my healing so greatly needed. And how freely and compassionately that they would have offered it to me.
AND SO, here I am!!!! Doing something that I have never done before. I am sharing my story, my injuries, my vulnerabilities, my mistakes, and all that I have learned on this epic knee journey. I have made the choice to change my habit of hiding and isolating when I feel this feeling of shame and embarrassment from yet another knee injury and surgery. To allow the love and kindness from others in as well as preventing and helping anyone suffering from an ACL tear (or any other serious injury) to not go through the same repetitive loop as me.
What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing(s) over and over again, yet still expecting different results. Well, I am SO READY to break this loop wide open and leave these knee injuries and surgeries in the dust!!!! (After my LAST ACL Reconstructive surgery in springtime 2020, that is…) But this is my STEP ONE to doing just that: writing this blog that is giving me even more incentive to rise above and conclude this knee saga with a truly inspirational and empowering finish! 😊
And here is one more confession before I conclude this post: Even now, as much as I try to remain positive, hopeful, happy, and to visualize myself running and dancing again, I am still completely terrified of this upcoming ACL surgery. Plus playing the “waiting game” is truly terrible, especially when the thing you’re waiting for is THIS, which I have experienced TWICE already and my preconceived notions make me a lil’ nutty!!!!!!!!!
SO, I genuinely and lovingly say THANK YOU for being here and being a part of my healing journey. I can’t even begin to express the gratitude that I feel. And please know that even if my hopeful attitude and my cheerleader mantra on this blog are my futile attempts at pretending to feel strong and invincible, despite my fear and doubt, I have you to thank for that as well. Saying it to you and saying it out loud has a magic way of growing in power, putting it out there for the universe to attract in my direction. And my wish: the more I say it, the more I will believe it, and the greater the chance of it coming true. 🙌🏼 ❤️🙏🏼
NEVER GIVE UP AND BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!
And now I will leave you with a photo that shows my state of mind at this point in the game, over three weeks after my 5th knee surgery:
Oh, wait!!!! Well……this is actually accurate, to be completely honest. I did mention going a lil’ nutty, right??? 🤣🤣🤣
But let’s try this one:
You can’t beat a genuine smile!! And this is the face of someone who is ready to try and reclaim the resilient, powerful, invincible, beat-the-odds-make-the-seemingly-impossible-actually-possible vision of herself that was once so very cloudy.
And if I can do it, YOU can do it, too!! (And don’t you forget it!!)
☁️🌥🌥⛅️🌤🌤☀️☀️☀️☀️🌞🌞🌞🌞
NAMASTE, with love to all!!! ❤️❤️❤️