Welcome and thank you for being here for my moment of TRUTH! 😍
So, what is something incredibly useful and productive that we can all do during this…I shall lovingly call it “downtime?…(even though I realize how much of an understatement this is so please give me a little leeway, if you’ll be so kind💕?)?
For myself, let me tell you what has NOT been incredibly useful and productive. Obsessively thinking about my knee, wondering about this surgery, how do I plan for this procedure, when might it be, will I actually be able to do the things that I had envisioned for myself in 2021, (before my surgery plans in April got derailed), or will 2021 be my new surgery aim and therefore RECOVERY YEAR (cuz it’s a long one) so then everything gets pushed back even further…???????…and so on and so on.
😳☹️
THAT, which I have just described, is an excellent way to lose your focus, your motivation, your drive for excellence/growth/goals AND make you more prone to going a little or A LOTTA “berserko” (a.k.a. batshitake-crazy!!)!!!!! 🦇
Seriously. This is me being serious: 😑. This also applies: 🙄.
There is absolutely no way to have answers to any of these questions, no matter how much worry, research, crying, screaming, working out, reading, and babbling that I may do to “figure it out.” It’s this mysterious “future event” that I certainly have no control over. And the planner/organizer/regimented person in me has NEVER been that okay with the uncertainty of surgery and is DEFINITELY NOT that okay with a surgery, again full of uncertainty, that will happen at some uncertain point in my life – – in a month, many months, a year, perhaps? A big ol’ guessing game with something that determines whether or not I will truly be able to return to the things that I love to do. A whole ton of hang-ups and cliffhangers regarding this sensitive matter AND whose outcome has intertwining personal, emotional, and goal-driven significance for my fulfillment and the life that I wish to create for myself. MEANING there is A BUNCH ridin’ on this surgery and on this recovery being successful when it happens!!
Huge BREATH, in and out!!! (A reminder for me but please feel free to join me!)
So, what did I do about it?
I’M SO GLAD THAT YOU ASKED!!! 😁
First, I made myself sit in this murky, muddy, pond-scummy water of uncertainty, mixed feelings, woe, turmoil, possibilities, positivity, negativity, worry, angst, gratitude, powerlessness, greatness, hopelessness, terror, fulfillment….and then acceptance. I felt ALL the feels, if you will, without trying to fight them and hide from them, and then sloooooowly started accepting this struggle that I’m facing at this time. Which I seem to need a constant reminder that harping on the fear-creating stuff doesn’t help, which causes me to digress and re-accept where I’m at…..A PROCESS, for sure. However, for me, I find that if you don’t know where you are in this huge murky pond – – like how deep it is with an idea of how far you have sunk into this muddy space – – then it is exponentially harder to find your way out. I highly recommend taking the time to hash things out with yourself (or with another loving, trusting being) so you can grasp and come to terms with this new starting point.
Second, after I began to sloooooowly accept some of the noise in my head and within my entire self, I invited myself to choose more of the thoughts that made me feel better and less of the thoughts that exacerbated my fears.
This is when the practice and mindset of Yoga saves the day!!! Those who have felt the power of Yoga may understand what I mean. Those who have apprehensions about Yoga, like “it’s only meant for the flexible people” or “it’s too slow/easy/boring” because I love HIIT” or “I already stretch so why do I need Yoga”….or any other tidbits that may come up for you as a reason to not explore it. If any of these things sound like you, I assure you that you’re not alone because all three of those statements, in one form or another, I have said pertaining to my views on Yoga back in the day. When I had no patience with myself and therefore had zero patience to “sit, breathe, and stretch” through a boring class…. Little did I know that my attitude and unwillingness to slow down actually 100% demonstrated how greatly I needed it in my life.
Fast-forward to this very day! See, one of the magic qualities of Yoga is it places the greatest importance on coming back to the breath and uniting mind/body/spirit with the present moment. Exactly where life is truly happening, in the NOW, as opposed to the past or the future which tends to hold so much power over us. Both the past and the future have held (and still do..) an unbelievable amount of power over me because of my many knee injuries, without a doubt.
By practicing letting go of the mind chatter and really feeling and being where you are RIGHT NOW, you can reclaim your power; find more control with yourself, your thoughts, and how you respond to your circumstances; and start to uncover your truth. All of the beautiful, messy, perfectly imperfect layers that make up YOU. And ME. And US. 😊
*I would definitely love more of all of these life changing phenomena…and you?? 🥰
Which leads me to this last piece:
Thirdly, in combination with really trying to remain grounded and stay in the present moment, I have decided to investigate ME!!! An exploration and a self-study to gather awareness on my thoughts, my habits, my behaviors, my triggers, my “go-to’s,” if you will, and really connect to how these things either benefit me or break me down. Again, exploring my facade and protective mechanisms versus what is my real truth.
And this all cycles back to my many, many knee injuries. It is said that your very thoughts and beliefs shape and create your reality, which I wholeheartedly believe. AND if my reality is prepping for a 6th knee surgery, then there must be something that I’m holding onto, especially subconsciously, that has continuously kept me in this injury loop. Especially with all of the work that I have put in already to flip the script. I’m not tending to something incredibly crucial, most likely, wouldn’t you agree with this highly plausible possibility? Or if you have other ideas or insights, I would love to hear your views!
Over the past four years, it has been my mission to find the gaps in my training and the missing pieces in my previous recoveries that may have potentially led to my inability to stop this vicious knee-injury cycle over the past almost seven years. With my dedication and findings, I have been enlightened in many ways by things that I definitely didn’t do (and wish that I had) and by aspects that I definitely didn’t realize were crucial for injury recovery.
All throughout my research, it has often led me back to the mental aspect of healing, training, results, power, and success. Mainly, what is your self-talk and are the bulk of your thousands and thousands of thoughts per day more positive or more negative? This has made me extremely curious about introspection and self-reflection as a means of bringing clarity about my thoughts to the forefront and learning how to change and shift my self-talk.
I already know that I can be quite hard on myself, even vicious at times, because I hold myself to exceedingly-high standards. Though I am MUCH better than I once was, I assure you! All of us tend to be our own very worst critics. And this is detrimental and debilitating for our psyche, our healing, and our ability to live our truth and accept ourselves for who we really are. As I type these lines, as much as I “know” this is real and powerful and true, I already know that I struggle with accepting myself fully. For example, I carry a lot of blame, guilt, and fear for my knee incidents and as much as I have tried to release these feelings along the way, I know they are still there, buried in my subconscious mind. Or I take them out in the open, ya know, it happens still…..but the hidden ones are the ones that can sting you most when you’re least expecting it.
Therefore, if I have the power to shift my future towards what I most want to create – – gorgeous, healthy, functioning knees that allow me to MOVE in any and all ways, please and thank you so very much – – – AND I have the time right now to really focus on ways that I could be indirectly self-sabotaging myself? Why would that not be a beneficial way to use this “downtime” and figure out how to be the best version of myself possible?
Many of you can probably come up with a LONG list of more fun things that I could be doing, I know!!!!!!! That might even include watching paint dry……😆 Hey, I’m excited about this because I would love a more peaceful, no-more-surgeries, successful, adventurous, happy life!! Whatever it takes and whatever it requires, I AM IN!!! Because everything starts with yourself, where you be the change that you wish to see.
And now, a little quarantine humor that I thought applied to myself, since recently I went through a few weeks of lacking energy, feeling heavy, not eating properly, not feeling the greatest……and then I read this on a FB post and thought: “They’re talking to me!”
With a guilty giggle, I allowed this post to be a reality check, like SNAP OUTTA IT!!!!!!!! 👀
With gratitude, I thank you for staying with me and listening to my rambling and very wordy thoughts of the day. I am a work in progress in many areas of my life and trying to write “shorter blog posts” is one of them!!! I assure you that I will continue to work on this as I move forward along with everything else!! 🤦🏻♀️😁😜
I shall leave you with an empowering quote, that fully resonates with me because of my quest to declutter my internal dialogue and make lasting changes in my life. I wish you all love, permission to let go, when needed, and allowing yourself to accept, honor, and live your truth.
🙏🏼💫✨🙏🏼🌟💫🙏🏼✨🌟
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️