I had a bit of a reckoning a couple of weeks ago, that was like a swift kick to my soul, actually knocking the figurative wind out of my lungs. And it answered these questions that had been floating around in my head for a few years now, after I began training with amazing clients of all ages and being a part of their fitness journeys.
An honor and a privilege that I do not take lightly!! 😍♥️
I kept experiencing moments with clients, and even with friends, where it seemed like they had given up on themselves and on their bodies.
Where there was a certain recurring pain or movement limitation and it was accepted as “that’s just my body” or “oh, that’s been there for YEARS!” As if that’s just the way it has been, the way it is, and therefore the way it’s going to be forever.
**It doesn’t have to be that way. Our bodies actually want to be pain-free and move well, without restrictions.**
Where clients or friends of mine experience weird pain, injuries, and seemingly “fluke” symptoms – – like sneezing or picking up a pencil from the floor and then pulling a muscle somewhere in the body – – and immediately thinking “ohhh, I’m getting so old!” or “this is what happens when we get into our 30’s and older” or “how could this happen SO out of the blue??”
**The body never does anything without a reason and things that seem “out of the blue” usually are not. Often, when pain, injuries, and seemingly “fluke” symptoms appear, they have been building within the body for a lot longer than we realize. It has nothing to do with age – – when I was 19, I threw my low back out so severely that I could barely walk and 19 is FAR from “old” 🙃 – – and it has everything to do with lifestyle, our every day posture, and the compensations we have adopted over the years.**
**OR perhaps there is pain and discomfort that the mind is fabricating to play tricks on us?!?!?!?? Please keep this one in mind – – it is explained later on in this post. 😉**
And the one that baffled me the most:
Where clients and friends are afraid to move their own bodies in certain ways, for fear of pain and experiencing an eventual injury….even if they are not experiencing any pain or major issue at the time. Or they’re even hesitant to touch their own bodies – – like doing thoracic, wrist, or ankle mobility work – – feeling terrified to even try it, just in case it hurts or doesn’t feel good.
**In terms of the latter, many times mobility work does NOT feel great! For anyone who has ever foam rolled before or rolled with a tennis ball, sometimes that soft tissue work is ROUGH!! Because with mobility work, we’re looking for restrictions in range of motion, knots in muscles, or any issue preventing a joint or the spine from working well AND THEN ADDRESSING IT. WORKING IT. HELPING TO ALLEVIATE IT. This may not feel like a spa day at the time and it generally is pretty uncomfortable, requiring us to breathe deeply and deliberately focus on the discomfort and on releasing it. YET, afterwards the difference is noticeable, palpable, and magical. Like night and day, if you will, especially when we dedicate ourselves to working on the mobility that our own bodies need, every single day.
Now let’s go back to the former: when someone is afraid or hesitant of their own body. Being afraid to rotate their own spine in case a spinal injury occurs. Feeling apprehensive to stretch their own hamstrings because they feel so tight and “what if they snap?” Being tentative to move more because they have hip pain or back pain and they don’t want to “do anything wrong” or “make the pain worse.” Feeling scared to practice balancing due to their fear of falling. Being hesitant to try a new exercise or a different way to move, for fear that it will make things feel worse instead of better.
No need to feel wrong or ashamed if we feel any of these ring true for us. Yet, what is this??? When we create this fear surrounding our own bodies??
MINDSET. 100%. Fear, worry and anxiety in the mind that is created from the brain’s (and therefore the nervous system’s and the body’s) need for protection, safety, control, and familiarity.
Many times:
-We wish to evade pain and injury so desperately, especially if the body has experienced trauma or certain conditions in the past, that we feel like moving less is safer than moving more.
**Pain can be the result of overtraining and imbalance in the body OR from motion starvation and not moving enough. If we are motion starved, moving even less just further exacerbates our symptoms and often makes us feel worse.**
-We lose faith and trust in our body’s ability to move without pain, tweaks, and flukes which means we’re sometimes more concerned with stopping life to avoid potential discomfort rather than understanding why the discomfort is there and working every day to resolve it.
**Figuring out why the pain and discomfort is there in the first place takes time, effort, patience, diligence, and consistency. Many things that maybe we would rather not devote our time to doing because it’s nitty-gritty work and not very glamorous. Sometimes it’s “easier” to limit what we can do and avoid certain discomforts rather than putting in the effort to figure out what’s going on…..however, that just ensures that the issue never ever gets resolved all while our life is modified to attempt to work around it. And sometimes even the modifications don’t completely work, which makes the attempts moot.**
We’re often so reluctant to look into the WHY and explore the issues that we’re feeling…..
Which is what prompted the million dollar questions that have been floating around in my head:
“How do people disconnect from themselves, where they are actually afraid of moving their own limbs, stretching their own muscles, and improving the way they feel? Where does this come from? When we are the ones living inside these bodies of ours, how do we get to the point of losing trust in what our bodies can do and just accepting our pain and our limitations as fate and being permanent….rather than simply a temporary alert and a signal that something is wrong and needs a hand?
I mean, we control our own bodies, so can’t we decipher what we can and can’t do and what we should and shouldn’t do, based on how we feel and what we KNOW to be true???? Because we are the experts on our own bodies since no one else can feel what we feel, you know???
But that’s not the way it is, not really. It appears that many of us have relinquished the “expert” role in our own lives, with regards to our own bodies, and that we much prefer to hear what other people, doctors, specialists, and the internet have to say about what we can’t and shouldn’t do. Our insight gets dropped, our own input is buried at the bottom, and what remains are these third party sources that we treat as the holy grail of answers about ourselves.
WHY?!?!?!?!?
I had NO CLUE until a couple of weeks ago.
And now I get it.
Here is my story.
I have been searching for a top orthopedic surgeon in my area to do a second ACL Reconstruction in my left knee. I know, I talk about my knees a lot. There HAS been a lot to talk about, though!! Seven YEARS worth of “shtuff.” In any case, my left knee has already had three surgeries on it, with this second ACL Reconstruction being the fourth, whenever I have it done. And my right knee has had two surgeries. Needless to say, my knees at this point are not “perfect models of knee health” nor does anyone expect them to be, especially upon hearing all of THAT!!!
What you will not find in any textbook or in any of my X-rays or MRIs, is how I persevered through two lengthy rounds of complex physical therapy with physical therapists that either: A) did not understand the intricate timeline of recovery for an ACL Reconstruction or B) that ignored my input as their patient, which ended up setting me back by over six months – – causing one of my rehab periods to last over 15 months. In both of these situations, much of the damage that I have in my knees now is related to or correlated with the poor and improper guidance that I have received from physical therapy after my two prior ACL surgeries.
**It’s true what they say: you want to find a qualified surgeon that you trust. However, if you do not have proper guidance through the rehab and recovery process, it doesn’t matter how perfect the surgery was, itself. The site of injury will suffer and possibly undo the successful results of the surgery if physical therapy is lacking and subpar. And that has been my experience.**
What you will not find in any textbook or in any of my X-rays or MRIs, is how I devoted myself to my recovery every step of the way over the past seven years, despite my unseemly experiences with physical therapy. How I have put hundreds of hours of hard work into my various recoveries in physical therapy and doing everything that I was told, to the letter and with full conviction. How I have spent thousands of hours over the past seven years, working on my own and finding any and all areas where I can get millimeters of improvement, strength, stability, and control in my body and in my knees. And because of this diligent effort, I still have full control and mobility in both knees, even though my left knee does not have an ACL and my right knee has quite a bit of arthritis, and I have no pain.
Nope, you won’t find my story, my experiences, my steadfast determination to succeed, my work ethic, my strength, my perseverance, my resiliency, and my belief that “I CAN DO THIS” on any digital picture or image or scan.
And yet, when I met with a potential surgeon back in late November 2020, and was faced with his negativity with regards to my knees, I was totally miffed!!!!!!! I wrote about him in a previous blog post, titled “Message for the ‘Fortune Tellers’,” in case you wish to hear the entire story. As a recap, he told me that my knees are “disasters” and he mentioned three times during our 20 minute appointment that I “will be crippled….and in so much pain….and unable to walk in 30 years, without fail.” To which I keep saying, “I don’t agree with that” – – because I DO NOT!!! – – and continuing on with the conversations surrounding this potential surgery.
Well, I had a follow-up appointment with this same surgeon a couple of weeks ago and it was both amazing and infuriating. Amazing because it answered my million dollar questions and infuriating because of this doctor’s attitude and how he was just spewing such negativity in my face. Again.
The shortened story is that I showed him photos from a surgery that I had back in November 2019 so he could see the inside of my left knee. To which he kept saying things like “oh, that’s not so bad” and “that looks pretty good.” I DO have some broken cartilage in my knee from a fall I had on the Appalachian Trail in Spring 2019, to which he said “that looks bad, we’re going to need to do something about that.” Alright, great. All in all, it seemed pretty positive.
Until about 5 minutes later when he says “you have 60-year old knees” as if my knees are useless and too far gone. When I questioned him about this, since my knees went from being “not bad” to aging over 30 years in less than 5 minutes, he literally said, “yup, I’m so glad that I don’t have YOUR knees.” Smug face and all.
To put it in perspective, if someone had gone to a doctor and was told that this person had cancer and then the doctor says, “I’m so glad that I don’t have YOUR cancer”…….can you even imagine? The level of rude and unprofessionalism would be astounding.
And, I understand, where my knees are not on the same intensity playing field as cancer, I am still showing up vulnerable, scared 💩-less, anxiety-filled, and desperate for this top surgeon to be on my side and help me. And it was so harsh and inappropriate for him to make fun of my knees and treat me like I don’t stand a chance when he knows NOTHING about me, NOTHING about how hard I fought to have knees that are this good and functional, and NOTHING about how I will do everything in my power to prevail. I mean, I’ve already gone through A LOT and I’m still kicking!!
I left that appointment shaky, perplexed, furious, doubtful, confused, and question-filled. And the more I thought about it and replayed the conversations and rude comments in my head, the farther my trust in this surgeon’s ability to help me continued to fall.
Not to mention that I was reading a book by Louise L. Hay at the time, called “You Can Heal Your Life.” And I had just gotten to a chapter on the body and its ailments, where she began talking about surgery. Applying it to my life, she was taking about the importance of the surgeon and the staff to cooperate with me and having them speak positively about my knee and this upcoming procedure. Using affirmations and positive speech is crucial and it ensures a smooth and successful surgery as well as influences healing as quick as possible afterwards.
In her book, Louise L. Hay writes, “Surgeons and their staffs in the operating rooms are often unaware that even though the patient is unconscious, he or she is still hearing and picking up everything said on a subconscious level.”
Do you think this surgeon would agree to speak pleasantly about me at all???? He wouldn’t even do it to my face, did I really believe that he would honor my wishes about speaking positively during the surgery when he clearly believed that my knees were done and that I would never be successful??
I can picture myself asking him to “please try to speak positively and in a supportive manner when referring to my knee” and him laughing like a hyena in my face!
THEN, do you want to know what happened next?????????
When I have not had ANY pain, in either knee, since the summer of 2019 when I actually tore my left ACL. So, not in over 1.5 years…….
I started to have right knee pain!!!!!! 😲
And that is when it hit me, like a gut punch!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥊
WORDS FREAKIN’ MATTER!!!!!!!! And our brains and our cells pick up on our environment wherever we go and with whatever is being said…….
Case in point:
How do I explain this knee pain that literally developed overnight?
Well, I did nothing differently, with my lifestyle or with my training. And the morning of my appointment with this surgeon, I was leg training, biking, running up and down stairs, and feeling fantastic! HOWEVER, after my appointment and after hearing his pessimistic views, my subconscious mind believed that I was supposed to be in pain because of my “disaster knees.” I heard this surgeon’s snarky voice in my head for the rest of the day, trying to deny his hurtful words and stop the self-doubt from fully creeping into my mind… And then the next morning I could barely walk up and down the stairs, my right knee felt so terrible. Hello full-of-doubt subconscious mind, listening to the words of this surgeon!! 👋🏼
Ooooooh, I was so mad!!! And yet, it made it even clearer to me that WORDS MATTER!!!!!!!! They matter so much. Because even though on the conscious level, I did not believe this surgeon and I knew that I could do this surgery and be successful, (since I have already completed this gosh darn ACL rehab TWICE), our subconscious mind takes everything said at face value with zero context. Mine heard “60 year old knees” and “pain” and “crippled” and lots o’ shame being thrown at me and so it said, “okay, gotcha.” And then the next day I suddenly had pain with every step my right leg took.
Now, if this pain was “real” and it developed because of my “awful knees,” it would persist and cause me serious pain every day thereafter, right?? And this goes back to my foreshadow earlier in this post, with the brain creating pain and playing tricks on us. This is how I know that it can happen.
Well, I settled myself into a meditative seat, closed my eyes, and spoke to my subconscious self about the truth of the situation. I spent 15 minutes, mentioning the words “healing,” “loving my knees,” “we’ve got this,” “perfect knees,” “we’re unstoppable,” and “believing in myself,” over and over and over again.
After 15 minutes, I opened my eyes and felt so much lighter and calmer. I got up, stretched, and walked away without ANY PAIN in my knees.
And still to this day, my knees feel awesome!!
That phantom pain was because my brain and my subconscious mind were trying to protect me from this “threat” as dictated by the surgeon. WORDS carry so much meaning when we allow them to do so. And I definitely let the surgeon’s negative beliefs infiltrate my own mind. If I did not tap into my subconscious mind and reset the script, it could have influenced me to move less, train less, lose faith in my ability to heal, and lead me down the path towards the surgeon’s projections: with me being in so much pain and crippled from my damaged knees in 5, 10….30 years from now.
Crazy, right?!?
And now it is so clear to me. The answers to my million dollar questions and why this disconnect with our bodies can be present and so strong. It can come from taking the advice and the words to heart of a professional in our life that we trust. Or are supposed to trust, as it was in my case. Whether it’s a surgeon, a chiropractor, a consultant, a fitness guru, or an expert in our field that we respect, if this person says “NEVER DO THIS” or “NEVER DO THAT, ” then we tend to listen on both a conscious and a subconscious level. And maybe it’s from multiple professionals, which makes it even more confusing with differing opinions and being unclear which way is “right.” No wonder we can freeze and become afraid of our own bodies!!
And the words of these professionals often win over how we are feeling because they are supposed to know best, right? And they are supposed to have the answers that we need.
Please understand, I respect and honor doctors and specialists and those whose profession is geared to serving humanity. I admire the years these professionals put into their education, degrees, residencies, and fellowships. And I do believe that it’s important to see a doctor or a specialist if the body is giving us signs that something isn’t right. Like for me, with my ACL-less knee and needing surgery in order to function optimally.
I ALSO believe that WE are the experts on our bodies and how they FEEL. And sometimes, our own kinesthetic awareness gives us more answers than any doctor or specialist ever could. And sometimes our own beliefs can make the impossible possible since we are the ultimate deciders in our lives. We get to choose what to believe and what to release when it does not match with our mindset and what we know to be true.
I highly recommend getting to know ourselves through and through. To get curious about any limitations we have and how they effect each day and the future lives in which we long to live.
If there is something going on in your body – – a chronic pain or a recurring symptom that won’t go away – – I highly recommend that you think about words that a doctor or another professional once told you and see if that might be holding you back from getting well. Please ask yourself if those words are still true for you. Question them, cautiously test yourself and your abilities – – because it is your body and you have total control over how much or how little you push – – and find out if you’re capable of even more than you believe. And definitely more than that professional believes.
I can guarantee that you are.
All that needs to be done are consistent baby steps to pay attention, listen to yourself and your body, and TRY. Try to improve your symptoms or the limitations in the smallest of increments, to not freak out the nervous system, and to move towards feeling better and moving better every day. Otherwise our fate turns into the projections of these third parties that don’t know what we feel and don’t know what we’re capable of…….
**And don’t you worry! There is NO WAY that I’m letting that negative surgeon come anywhere near my wonderful knee with a 🔪!! I believe in my abilities and my inner strength over his dangerous attitude. And I can’t even imagine giving up on my dreams and the activities that I love just because this surgeon, with no idea about my story and about me as a person, sees me as “destined to fail.” Not a chance and clearly he is NOT the right surgeon for me.**
Trust ourselves. Go within and listen and learn. Remember the power of the mind, especially the subconscious mind. Never reject our own insight and beliefs about our powerful selves, even if it interferes with the opinions of a highly-credited professional. And give ourselves the time and the opportunity to heal, to improve, to get better, and to feel better every day.
Become the hero within and use words wisely – – yours AND everyone else’s.
🌟✨💫🌟💫✨🌟✨💫🌟💫✨🌟