You know, where we pick ourselves apart and cringe at the things that we don’t particularly LOVE about ourselves. Tough self-critics, if you will…
This could be the people who can (too easily) find fault in themselves. Or those who, if asked, could instantly create a “5+ (or waaay more)-things-that-we-would-change-about-ourselves-if-we-could” list in record time, every time.
Or maybe those of us who constantly play the blame/shame/guilt/judgment game, where we constantly make ourselves wrong. Where we never give ourselves the space to make mistakes or allot a margin of error from which to grow because we’re too busy beating ourselves up over just the presence of the mistakes and errors.
How we can point at ourselves, or our circumstances, or our bodies, or our LIVES, nitpicking at all of it, because they have not reached (or they are no longer at) our level of satisfaction. And they have not met our own high expectations.
We may wish, often relentlessly so, that things could be vastly different than they are right now because THEN life would be so much better if all THOSE THINGS could change…..
Any of that sound familiar?❓❓❓
Honesty self-check…. ✔️
I believe that many of us can relate to at least one thing above. Or at the very least we can agree to knowing other people in our lives who fall into this category of hyper-self-criticizing, yes?
So, to any experienced self-nitpickers: 👋🏼 Hello! I am one, too.
🧟♀️ <——– My current selfie – – I know, I know, hold back the jealousy, if you please.
😁
Alright, so, coming from a former-ultra-perfectionist, (that’s meeee!), this is super rough stuff!!!! Like, even rougher than other people being critical of us because we’re kinda attached to ourselves in the real 24/7, you know?
“No matter where you go, there you are.” Thank you, Confucius, the Chinese Philosopher, for this quote that has been used time and time again. Wasn’t this even said in one of the Austin Powers movies?? I forget….🤔
Regardless, it’s so true!!! We can’t run from ourselves, hide from ourselves, fight ourselves, escape from ourselves…. even if we try. All of them are losing battles because both “sides” are one and the same. OURSELVES. And whatever is happening on the inside, whether it’s supreme joy or foul misery, we take that with us wherever we go, no matter what is happening around us.
Seriously, how many times do we willingly enter into this losing battle of “me vs. myself???” 👩🏻🥊👩🏻
More than we would like to think.
So, let’s stop for a moment and see if we can soften our self-judgmental eye, just a leeeeeeeetle (little 😉) bit! 👀
Alright, first, what if we were to see all of our mistakes, all of our errors, all of our heartbreaks, and all of our failures as the most beneficial and significant tools of transformation?
And if seeing them ALL in this way seems ridiculous, (I get that!) then maybe choosing to see a few of them as such crucial this-is-what-we-needed teachable moments in our lives.
See, knowing what we want in life is important. Yet, knowing what we don’t want, what doesn’t work for us, what imploded on itself and crumbled to the ground, and what made us fall down is equally as important. If not more so because that is where we grow, we rebuild to new strengths, we move closer to the path that we want, and we learn the most about ourselves.
Learning from our mistakes and our failures and using them as stepping stones towards our greatness is how we become and feel more successful. And how we become and feel like the best versions of ourselves. Carrying our mistakes and failures around like burdens only serves to limit future possibilities, potentially increasing our notion of personal inadequacy, and creating excess fear of making even more errors…..greatly halting the progress that we seek.
Simply put, we can either find use and purpose within the failure or be defeated by the failure.
Think about how things would change if we welcomed failures because of how inevitable they are and how transformative they are. Brook Castillo, from The Life Coach School, says that she encourages her students to seek out failure, on purpose!! To reach beyond their usual, knowing that: if they’re successful, then they pushed out of their comfort zone into new territory. And if they fail, then hooray! Because the point was to do something BIG that had a huge possibility of failure. CHECK!
If we’re not afraid to fail, then that is one less thing to fear, right??? I kinda love that. ❤️
AND if we choose to see mistakes and failures as necessary and helpful tools, rather than seeing them as permanent signs of our deficiencies???? Wouldn’t that free up some judgment, blame, and shame that we throw at ourselves, when we punish ourselves for these very mistakes and failures that are trying to teach us something?
Next, let’s talk about the SHOULDS that tend to batter our brains!!! 🧠
“I should be doing THIS right now, even though it’s my day off…” OR “I should be so much farther than I am, what’s wrong with me…” OR “I should be so much richer/thinner/prettier/stronger/happier than I am, why can’t I get there…”
Ahhhhh, the SHOULDS of destruction. SELF-destruction, to be more clear. And I know, we demand so much of ourselves and so often, too. And sometimes it does work FOR us – – like “I am soooo tired but I should go to work…” So we get up and go to work (or school or an event) because we know it’s our responsibility. OR “I really don’t feel like it but I should really work out today…” So we put on some workout clothes, get a good workout in, and we feel so glad that we did! These SHOULDS can hold us accountable and give us amazing results!!
But what about the SHOULDS that send us down a dark spiral? The ones that work AGAINST us, like where we battle food and what we “should” be eating. But then when we go against our healthy-eating in any way, it derails us, makes us disappointed and shame-ridden, so we reach for our comfort, which is food….and then we feel more shame….hence the dark spiral.
Yup.
Or how about if we’re not feeling the best but we “should” run an errand list of ten things, OR we “should” clean the house, OR we “should” go to a get-together that we just don’t want to go to….. Yet, we do one of these things, maybe all of these things, and then end up getting sick and then we’re down for the count.
Or, how ’bout the SHOULDS that make us look in the mirror with sadness or disgust because we “should” look different/better/younger/fitter and on and on……
These SHOULDS usually only serve the purpose of pointing out our own perceived flaws and where we find frustration. They are usually not out of love, but rather out of impatience, shame, pressure, and judgment.
What if we could love ourselves where we are right now? Where we still try our best, celebrate ourselves for our tiny and major successes, acknowledge how far we have come, AND ALSO ALLOW OURSELVES TO ENJOY RIGHT NOW.
This is a culmination of a Brook Castillo podcast and some great posts on Instagram regarding weight loss. Here’s the gist: A weight loss client was asked why they wanted to lose 20 pounds. And the client listed “feeling better, looking better, and being content with looking at themselves in the mirror.” And then the question was posed, “what if you lost 5-10 pounds but transformed your body in all of those ways? Would you be disappointed that it wasn’t 20 pounds?” And the client said, “no, I guess that the 20 pounds wouldn’t really matter.”
Sometimes we hold ourselves to such a strict goal or a particular number on the scale and we lose sight of the WHY behind why it actually matters to us. As in this example, what would losing 20 pounds actually change for us? It would change how we think about ourselves – – being slimmer and lighter. But as experienced self-nitpickers, does this mean that our barrage of judgment would end there and we would see ourselves as total perfection for losing those 20 pounds?!?!?!
Well, from my own experience, there is always something to find to take it’s place, when we’re not in the most beneficial and self-love mindset. 😕
What about, maybe, if we allowed ourselves to see that many paths can often take us towards our one goal/target? Then we wouldn’t punish ourselves if ONE thing wasn’t working for us. Because there is always another way. And I’m not just talking diet and nutrition, but on any and all visions that we may have our sights on!
And all of this starts with becoming the kindest, most supportive, most loving ally…..of ourselves. Shame-spirals only make things worse, teaching us how to feel terrible about ourselves. Love-spirals always boost the spirit, pick us up when we’re down, and teaches us and reminds us that our worth is invaluable – – – that it’s not tied to numbers on a scale, the money in our bank account, the age on our next birthday, or anything else. We are worthy of love, appreciation, belonging, and feeling happy in our own skin, without doing anything at all.
It’s more than a Monday thought^^^ It’s a TODAY thought!!!!!! And this thought is “Happiness is letting go of what you think your life/body/job/finances is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.” And then letting that happiness assist you with reaching for the stars. ⭐️
Imagine how that would feel if we could all believe and adopt this viewpoint of celebrating the now and everything that it is. So, we are already starting in a content and grateful state and then any actions we make towards our goals/targets/passions takes us further into this positive state!
That sounds a lot better than starting with “I despise myself for THIS” and then attempting to use that as motivation to change it- – – like digging ourselves out of a steep dirt trench, where we can make some progress, clawing and climbing, but then we end up sliding right back to the bottom. This way tends to add to the pressure and judgment that we put on ourselves, you know?
BOTTOM LINE: Let’s give ourselves a break from time to time!! Finding gratitude and satisfaction with where we are right now, even if it isn’t exactly where we want to be. Because teaming up with ourselves makes progress happen in a much kinder and smoother way than fighting with ourselves, feeling frustrated, and barely moving forward.
We all deserve a note like this, from us to us:
Because we are doing the very best that we can. And that is more than okay.
And, fellow self-nitpickers and self-critics, one more thing:
Ease up, rest, and allow ourselves to JUST BE, when we have the chance. Let’s attempt to turn the blame/shame/guilt/judgment dial down a few notches. Because:
“We are enough, simply in our being.”
❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️