Wait, THE FUTURE?!?!?!?!?! Like, WHEN in the “future?”
That has been my perplexing, haunting, wonder-filled, dreaded question for the past couple of months. In addition to this Covid-19 pandemic, of course, that is terrifying all on its own and that has been terrorizing the world…
See, my recent blog theme over the past several months, which I will succinctly state as being: “The Do’s and Don’t’s of ACL Recovery,” pales drastically in comparison to this coronavirus that has claimed well over 200,000 lives; that continues to wreak havoc on people’s immune systems; and that puts many selfless and hardworking soul’s lives at risk every day. My knee is hardly a priority in the grand scheme of things so I put aside my blog for the time-being.
The last post that I had written was, coincidentally enough, exactly two months ago. Since then, SO MUCH has happened. This constantly-evolving list including social distancing; “non-essential” businesses shutting down; the permanent closing of schools; wearing masks in public; no more hugs or handshakes or visits with friends/families/neighbors/those who you don’t already live with; a new world of communicating solely via technology and online platforms…….a plethora of changes for all of us as we attempt to navigate this pandemic together as well as protect and unite with our fellow humans as much as we possibly can.
So much has happened recently that I didn’t even know if my story and the information that I intended to provide was even important to mention, let alone to continue telling at this time…
I finally decided that I wanted to give you my update on where things stand for me right now. Since managing this “new normal” is so important, I realized a major reason why I’ve been feeling so stuck. And not just because of self-quarantining and social distancing.
Many of you know that I have been prepping for my 6th knee surgery, ever since my 5th one last November. (Any questions, please check out any previous posts that you please!) This procedure was set to include ACL Reconstruction, Meniscus Repair, Cartilage Repair, as well as using my own tissue for the new ACL.
SO, it was going to be the most complex surgery that I have ever experienced, even though I have already rehabbed my way through two previous ACL Reconstructions before. None of them were particularly a great time, (shocking I know!!), so I was not thrilled for this multi-faceted third round. HOWEVER, I was absolutely ready to have this successful surgery finished so that I could begin the true healing and recovery process. Also, I was even more ready to release the burden from my mind and my entire being, since the awareness of my non-ACL’ed knee has been there (and is always there) every day, without fail, along with this looming surgery that seems to follow along in my thoughts. I was getting more and more ready for this next step: FINAL KNEE SURGERY. However, it did not seem ready for me.
This surgery was supposed to have happened in mid-April, just a couple of weeks ago.
For many reasons, this did not happen: My surgeon forgot to give my information to the Surgery Scheduler in February; the Surgery Scheduler didn’t know to call me; I called the very confused Surgery Scheduler in mid-March who told me she would call me right back about what the surgeon suggested; I never received a call back, not even to this very day….
Okay, that was pretty clear that my surgery wasn’t going to take place any time soon.
AND THEN, while speaking with the Surgery Scheduler, I had asked her “what would happen if I did have this knee surgery in April and then Physical Therapy decides that it needed to close its doors because of the virus?” To which she replied, “there are no protocols set in place. Maybe they would give you home exercises to do.”
Well……in case you are unaware of the rehab for a combo surgery of ACL Reconstruction and Meniscus Repair, (which I sincerely hope so!!), it is not something that I could do on my own with home exercises, at least not in the first two months, if that. It is intense on every level and requires timing with very precise movement and exercises, and perhaps the breaking of scar tissue and hands-on manipulations in order to regain full mobility and range of motion. If I had this very complicated knee surgery and then was unable to have an expert guide me through the initial healing process? I may never have a functioning knee again, for the rest of my life.
None of these were very good signs so I made the executive decision that now is definitely not the best time to have a life-changing surgery….which brings me back to my original question:
Wait, THE FUTURE?!?!?!?!?!
And yes, the true meaning behind “WTF,” or a PG-translation being “What the Fudgies!!” completely and utterly applies to things that have been happening over the past few months. Without a doubt!!! Especially questions about the future, I think that goes without saying….😳
Yet, for my purposes, both “WTF’s” apply to this time in my life because I have been having a very difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that this surgery is still coming for me. Down the line. When??? No one knows. Once Covid-19 is under control, however long that takes, I still have this huge surgery to face. A surgery that takes a year, if not 1.5 years or more, to recover as fully as possible. It makes my heart beat faster just thinking about it…..darn those preconceived notions!!
It took me the past month to realize that this is a huge reason why I have been majorly struggling as of late. I felt like this Dr.Jekyll-and-Mr.Hyde mashup, where I either was super motivated with boundless energy, ready to be productive and get things accomplished……OR……. I felt lethargic, heavy, drained, unmotivated, and so uninspired. It finally dawned on me that I have been projecting my own fears and soaking them right up. I would feel great one day, like I could take on the world, just watch me!!! And then it would hit me that all of my progress with anything I do now will eventually need to be put on a major and lengthy pause for this exhausting surgery, at some unforeseeable time “in the future.” Which sometimes made it feel like I was “doing things for nothing” and “why bother?” It is a hard mind game to play and I have been doing it to myself, unable to make the most of my present because I get lost and fully consumed, worried about this future that I cannot control. And feeling the weight of this surgery on my heart, knowing how important it is for me to have it performed and to have it performed successfully, and also feeling so distraught that there is nothing that I, personally, can do to bring my ACL back. All I can do is wait.
Again, I know this is so minimal compared to what is happening in the world so I hope that I have not offended anyone by expressing these personal issues and thoughts of mine. Just an honest account of where I am now, compared to the last post that I had written.
And I do plan on returning to my original mission of telling my “knee saga,” with all of the significant “please do NOT do what I did” lessons and experiences. In time. For now, I would like to leave you with something a friend of mine posted that deeply resonated with me. The Yogi within me loves to gift these mantras to the beautiful beings in my life and I sometimes forget to breathe these words into my own self. Maybe you do the very same? Please read these words and let them infiltrate into every single one of the trillions of cells in your body:
Changing thoughts, behaviors, habits….it’s all within our own power. And I have always known this yet I still get stuck in my own mental roadblocks. Created by me. My new mission is to fully embrace this truth, to accept the things that I cannot change and focus on the steps that I can take each day that will make a difference for my future self. This may not happen overnight, and I may need to give myself A LOT of leeway!!!! Like a lot A LOT….Yet, I am willing to keep trying until I find my groove and reclaim the drive and determination that I had, like when I was full-on prepping for my knee surgery that never happened. At least now I have quite a few more months to further prepare for this surgery?????? Silver Lining?? Maybe?? YES!!!!! Let’s go with that, right?!?!?! 😁😆🙌🏼
Thank you so much for reading and continuing on this journey with me. I hope you continue to stay safe, reach out if/when you need something because you are not alone, and please be sure to take care of you – – mind, body, and soul – – with plenty of love and understanding. (I will try and do the very same!)
Sending you all the biggest hugs from here, to remind you of your amazingness and all of the lives you touch without even realizing it. Real hugs are pure magic, I miss them SO MUCH!! Yet virtual hugs have a magical flare as well!!!! Give it a try and PASS IT ON!!!!!✨💫✨
🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
There’s just something about hugs that make you smile, right???? 😊😍🤗❤️